Be Better

by

L

ast year I pretty much skated by. I fell into a pretty dark depression and just had very little motivation to continue running my business , Renae Cut Offs, my blog, my Instagram, everything. I just didn’t care. I lost my own inspiration and forgot why I was even doing this in the first place. That “delete account” urge on Instagram was so real (and would have been a huge mistake). I just wanted to disappear, escape, and fall off the map for real.

 

I don’t know what I would have done without my family and close friends helping me get through 2014. Because when I say I was just trying to make it through, that’s all I was focused on. Making it through another day , at times unwillingly wanting to do so.

 

I don’t think I’ve ever been so candid on my blog. I always act like everything is cool, life is great, and I couldn’t be happier! It was all a lie, an act to keep you guys (my readers) satisfied and coming back for more. So you would think everything was ok. If you thought about it lol. Because I didn’t want to lose you guys too. But it was sooo hard for me to produce content, which explains the massive time gaps in between posts. My mood wasn’t even consistent so it was tough to be consistent with anything else in my life.

 

I held onto so much in 2014. Literally just a closed fist, because I felt like I had nothing left for myself. So I wanted to hold onto all of it. It may be hard to understand and honestly I don’t expect you too. But I couldn’t share anymore of myself with anyone. I needed the remainder to keep myself alive.

 

When my apartment was broken into right before Christmas and my laptop and memory card were stolen, I felt like my life just ended. Allllll my blog work, media kit, resumes, projects, business info … just gone. Just like that. I backed up my computer a year ago. Lesson learned.

 

But I refuse to be a victim anymore! A victim to depression, lack of confidence, and feeling like I have no purpose in this world. Because I know none of it is true! This post isn’t intended to be depressing. Just real. Transparent. Me. It’s not always shits and giggles around here you know?

 

I know now, through prayer, trials, and a lot of emotional conversations with my loved ones, that life will be what I make of it. That God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers, and He wouldn’t put anything on me that I couldn’t bare!

 

Shit, I’m getting teary eyed just writing this. But I thank you for reading. I thank you for believing in me, for always saying such nice things in my comments (I read them all and I’m touched every time), for sticking with me along my journey and just being the best effing supporters and readers ever. I love yall!

 

I finally love myself and have accepted that God is putting me through this for a reason. One day I’ll be able to use my biggest weaknesses and things that I don’t like about myself , as my greatest strength to help others ! I can’t wait for that day. To realize my purpose.

 

Thank you God for never giving up on me. Thank you to my family and my friends for being patient with me and never making me feel like I was being a burden to yall. That’s priceless for real!

 

2015 is a fresh start. It’s still a challenge and I work hard to get through every day without falling back into that dark place I never want to be again. But I’m challenging myself to be better this year at everything! Be better to myself, my business, my blog, my loved ones, and my supporters. So anything or anyone else can miss me with the bullsh*t.

 

Thank you for reading.

Love,

McKenzie Renae Harris

25 Responses
  • Dmarie
    January 13, 2015

    Just read your post! Thank you for being transparent and speaking on how you feel. What you do has inspired me in some ways and to cut my hair. I follow you on Instagram and other social media because you do inspire me. I know it is hard to release content when you are not in the mood or feel no mojo lol. I was close to deleting everything myself! I almost gave up a few times but I seen some of the comments that people are actually inspired by my videos and pictures. That really stopped me from clicking on that button and God of course. God’s voice is so loud sometimes, I mean all the time. Thank you for being yourself! <3

  • Tamee Tootle
    January 13, 2015

    Mckenzie, Thanks so much for sharing this and being so transparent. We all go through dark areas and many people try to cover it up but someone who can be real and honest, I truly respect that!We all have dark times and setbacks in our lives, and I know that God is using it to push you even further! Your purpose is being shaped in every moment through the good times and bad! LOVE YOU. PRAYING FOR YOU and thanks so much for sharing <3

  • Michellette "Mimi" Green
    January 13, 2015

    Congrats on allowing yourself to open to up; to share your highs and your lows. Sending you lots of love and encouragement as you find your way.

    Mimi – http://www.mimicutelips.com

  • Stacey
    January 13, 2015

    You are a beautiful and incredibly blessed individual. I am at a loss for words in describing just how clear I am on the process God is using to shine His light in your darkness, the same as I am seeing Him do in mine.

    You have a platform to express your individuality, your faith, and your interests.. to connect with people who share in the same/aspire to do similar. It is a gift many yearn for so painfully.. to be heard.. to be accepted.. to be loved.

    These experiences are the growing pains we didn’t foresee in our prayers, but they are the preparation for the things we have been praying for. I discovered the very things I was searching for when I allowed Him to be enough. If you are still and look just a little closer, I do believe they will be a lot closer than you thought.

    Thank you for your fearless honesty.. in return, I pray you’ve found your freedom.

  • Drea
    January 13, 2015

    Your purpose is your passion. You inspire to help others. It appears to be your passion. You are walking in your purpose. One does not simply arive with no process. One has to walk in it. Become dependent upon God as the only source to bring about purpose. You are walkin in it. You are an inspiration to myself and others. Continue to walk especially in transparency.

  • Trice
    January 13, 2015

    Mckenzie,

    Thanks for sharing..I’ve been following you since the beginning.. tumblr days. I appreciate your honestly. Your an amazing person and so many of us can relate to you and all that you do..that’s why you have so many supporters. I’m glad you are looking into a better tomorrow and not becoming a victim of your circumstances which can be very easy to do. This just made me go ten times harder. I hope you continue to follow your dreams and be great! I believe in you.Thanks again for sharing.

    FYI i dont know why it posted that one sentence lol idk how to delete it sorry!

  • Nsleak
    January 13, 2015

    There is so much I could say, but let me stick to the important things! First of all Thank you for sharing! So many people go through depression but are afraid to share. Secondly, don’t hold back! Keep sharing because even through your struggles you help others. You are exactly right God has you and I know he will bless and keep you! Praying for you! -nsleak

  • Gina Harris
    January 13, 2015

    To my Baby Girl,
    You are stronger than you know and you are my inspiration! Remember to be “Joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer” Romans 12:12. Proud of you and loving you even “Better”. Mom … aka Moo 🙂

  • Britt
    January 13, 2015

    Thank you so much for sharing. I had a very tough 2014 as well. At times I questioned if I even wanted to still be here. While I had no idea what you were going through I would look at your Instagram pictures and posts and it would inspire me to just keep swimming. You seemed so happy and I thought if I just keep holding on I’ll get back to happy too. So thank you. Thank you for continuing to swim even when you didn’t feel like it. You will be in my prayers and I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you. 2015 is going to be great! Love you and thanks again!

  • nakia
    January 14, 2015

    I read this blog and it really touched my heart. I appreciate your vulnerability to people that you barely know. Most of all it bring me joy to read your blogs see you one insta because you’re are such a great inspiration. I really do loooove your style and how you carry yourself. Stay strong my blog friend and continue to shine bright even in your darkest times. xoxo

  • Alycia
    January 14, 2015

    I neverrrrr comment (super shy) but I really appreciate the balls it took to be so raw and candid about your struggle. I just discovered your Instagram and then blog at the end of last year and I adore your posts and your amazing spirit! It’s dope that you are able to inspire so many, and yet be so very humble…so real. Sending positive vibes your way and joining you in your effort to make 2015 everything 2014 could not be. Cheers love!

  • Chavanna Chanel
    January 15, 2015

    I’m so glad you didn’t quit. I know sometimes the negative in the world can overcome you however, when that starts to happen it is a sign that you are close to greatness and something bigger and better for you is near. This is the time when the devil tries to get you to turn away from you blessings and all of the greatness in this world that you are meant to be a part of. I have those moments just like you…we are human! How we deal with struggles and negativity shows our truth strength and determination. Keep moving and stay strong. You are truly one of my favorite bloggers and fashion inspirations.

  • Gina
    January 16, 2015

    I have been stalking you

  • Tamara
    January 16, 2015

    Omg…this is surreal bc I felt the exact same way last year!! I prayed thru mine just like you did and know that we are put here for something great! Which is why it’s bern such a fight! Don’t give up! You are supported more than you know and u sharing gives others strength! Stay strong Beautiful!!!

  • Tiffany
    January 16, 2015

    Hey McKenzie. I just wanted to let you know that I know exactly what you are going through. Being a blogger is hard work, because it is everything that reflects you and if you aren’t in a happy or creative mood then it makes it hard to produce content that your readers will want to read. But I have to say that coming from Hampton University with you and watching your journey from a far has inspired others including myself. I created my blog just a year ago and I already feel the pressures to always evolve and make things better. Just know that you are an inspiration to me and other bloggers out there and we got your back.

    Thanks for being real because its very hard to do that. It takes a bold and confident person to reveal everything and I respect you for it.

    Tiffany <3

  • Gina
    January 16, 2015

    I have been following you since 2013 thanks to a good friend of mine who introduced me to your blog. Everything about you is uplifting and contagious! You have no idea how you gave this thirty-something mother of 2 get her confidence back! I actually saw you back in December at my local Whole Foods and wanted to say hi, but I had my kids with me… and it was crazy busy at lunchtime. So I used that as an excuse to keep it moving. Now I wish I had gotten out of line to speak to you and tell you how you influenced me. Going forward, I will go with my gut and stop making excuses. There are no coincidences in life and I believe that may have been MY missed opportunity to bring a smile to your day. I don’t know if me speaking to you would have made a difference, but I guess I will never know. So with that said, I want you to know that I admire your spirit and pray that your 2015 is abundantly better than your 2014. xx

  • Candice Selby
    January 17, 2015

    I have recently experienced an episode of deep, dark depression and it is NO JOKE. Thank you for sharing xoxox

  • Yola
    January 20, 2015

    Bless you for sharing this! Depression is real, we all go through challenges, and it’s good to see us acknowledge it and share our experiences. 2014 was one of the worst years of my life. But because of what I went through, I was finally able to open up and get the help I needed. I pray that you are able to continue to move forward and upward. You have to go thru something to get to the other side.

  • Leah
    January 20, 2015

    “Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time….. “(‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3‬:‭11‬ NLT)

    McKenzie,
    God is developing, strengthening and positioning you for your next season in life. It may not feel good right now and you may not be able to see it, but when it’s your time…it will be beautiful.

    P.S.

    No need to wait to find out your purpose, you’re living out your purpose everyday. 🙂

    Love you friend,
    Leah

  • Kals Sendo
    January 25, 2015

    I cut colored and bleached my hair because you are so super dope!!!!! We have ups downs and everything in between. Thanks for being my muse xoxo

  • Val
    January 25, 2015

    Wow. Thanks for sharing, McKenzie. It’s certainly not easy to be vulnerable and tell people your story. I hope your story helps people. It also serves as a humble reminder that you never know what goes on behind closed doors and God’s plans for us is up to God. Keep doing the good work, girl.

  • Olivia
    March 5, 2015

    I usually don’t comment on anything but I love your blog and I can’t tell you how much I needed that post! I’m teary eyed just writing this comment. I recently lost my passion for what I’ve been doing and have been doubting myself and everything I’ve worked so hard for questioning if it is really what I want to do with my life. I tried explaining what I was going through to family and friends but few of them really understood how I was feeling. It’s seeing more than just Prime Time clips of your life that makes you seem so relatable, it’s knowing that even someone as inspirational and as beautiful (inside and out) as you goes through those dark times too. My week started out pretty bad but it’s been picking up each day and I’m putting together pieces of my life but by bit and feel so renewed now. I believe everything happens for a reason and God has been blessing me with new insight on my feelings/trials each day. Thanks for your post and being my blessing for today 🙂 Keep doing what you do because you’re touching someone’s life unknowingly!

  • Ally
    March 15, 2015

    Seldom do we realize the impact we can make by simply verbalizing the personal moments in our lives for another to read. Thank you for being so candid in this post. Coming from someone who shares similar feelings in this past year, it is helpful to see that I am not alone and so to can overcome. I simply love your blog and wish nothing but continued growth and success for you both personally and business wise.

What do you think?

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *