Last year I pretty much skated by. I fell into a pretty dark depression and just had very little motivation to continue running my business , Renae Cut Offs, my blog, my Instagram, everything. I just didn’t care. I lost my own inspiration and forgot why I was even doing this in the first place. That “delete account” urge on Instagram was so real (and would have been a huge mistake). I just wanted to disappear, escape, and fall off the map for real.
I don’t know what I would have done without my family and close friends helping me get through 2014. Because when I say I was just trying to make it through, that’s all I was focused on. Making it through another day , at times unwillingly wanting to do so.
I don’t think I’ve ever been so candid on my blog. I always act like everything is cool, life is great, and I couldn’t be happier! It was all a lie, an act to keep you guys (my readers) satisfied and coming back for more. So you would think everything was ok. If you thought about it lol. Because I didn’t want to lose you guys too. But it was sooo hard for me to produce content, which explains the massive time gaps in between posts. My mood wasn’t even consistent so it was tough to be consistent with anything else in my life.
I held onto so much in 2014. Literally just a closed fist, because I felt like I had nothing left for myself. So I wanted to hold onto all of it. It may be hard to understand and honestly I don’t expect you too. But I couldn’t share anymore of myself with anyone. I needed the remainder to keep myself alive.
When my apartment was broken into right before Christmas and my laptop and memory card were stolen, I felt like my life just ended. Allllll my blog work, media kit, resumes, projects, business info … just gone. Just like that. I backed up my computer a year ago. Lesson learned.
But I refuse to be a victim anymore! A victim to depression, lack of confidence, and feeling like I have no purpose in this world. Because I know none of it is true! This post isn’t intended to be depressing. Just real. Transparent. Me. It’s not always shits and giggles around here you know?
I know now, through prayer, trials, and a lot of emotional conversations with my loved ones, that life will be what I make of it. That God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers, and He wouldn’t put anything on me that I couldn’t bare!
Shit, I’m getting teary eyed just writing this. But I thank you for reading. I thank you for believing in me, for always saying such nice things in my comments (I read them all and I’m touched every time), for sticking with me along my journey and just being the best effing supporters and readers ever. I love yall!
I finally love myself and have accepted that God is putting me through this for a reason. One day I’ll be able to use my biggest weaknesses and things that I don’t like about myself , as my greatest strength to help others ! I can’t wait for that day. To realize my purpose.
Thank you God for never giving up on me. Thank you to my family and my friends for being patient with me and never making me feel like I was being a burden to yall. That’s priceless for real!
2015 is a fresh start. It’s still a challenge and I work hard to get through every day without falling back into that dark place I never want to be again. But I’m challenging myself to be better this year at everything! Be better to myself, my business, my blog, my loved ones, and my supporters. So anything or anyone else can miss me with the bullsh*t.
Thank you for reading.
McKenzie Renae Harris