Life has a crazy way of revealing itself to you. I want to share a recent journal entry I wrote that may help you embrace the new version of yourself as you continue on your life journey.
“I had a breakdown last night. But what’s beautiful is that it’s leading to a breakthrough. I just know it.
I’ve been focused on decluttering this entire month (on top of being disciplined not to drink), so the last couple of days have led me to clean out my closet, in its entirety. I emptied out each section one by one, changed hangers, analyzed, and either kept or added pieces to a donate pile. Throughout this process, it required me to try on quite a few pieces to see if they still fit, especially when it came down to the pants.
I could feel myself headed towards a downward spiral once the items I once cherished could no longer fit. The pile started to grow into a mound. My emotions were all over the place causing a string of negative thoughts regarding weight gain and tummy bloat. I was so frustrated that my once naturally slender figure was no more. While I don’t desire to be a size 4 again, I’ve been struggling with being comfortable with my new body.
Something came over me as I was staring at the layers of clothes that no longer served me thrown astray in the donation pile. I was literally staring at multiple phases and eras of my life, reduced to a jumble of fabric. A physical representation of my past. Soooo many great memories of my life in my 20’s just flooded my mind. From the blurred parties, the late nights at the club, work clothes from previous jobs that absolutely drained me ….even some of my most popular and stylish fits that made it to the gram. It was like I was grieving a former life. Let me tell you, that shit was hard to handle and completely unexpected. I just started balling, because I was saying goodby to an old version of myself that did the best she could, with what she had.
It sounds so silly, because they’re just clothes right? But as someone who expresses who she is whose part of her identity shines through her style, it occurred to me that it wasn’t silly at all. My feelings and emotions were completely valid.
That evening was transformative for me. I’d like to look at myself as a butterfly who is growing new wings. You have to let go of the old to welcome the new, and that’s exactly what I was doing. Embracing the new McKenzie , new body, new clothes, new style and all. I’m so grateful for my journey, through the many trails and learning lessons and the equal highs and success.
I knew God was working on me that night. I know that He has something GREAT in store for me. I can feel it. My hands and my arms are wide open to allow all that is new on the horizon.”
So, if you’re grieving a former life, a former version of yourself, just know that it’s necessary. And it’s ok. We all have to evolve, and sometimes the transformation just might start with a pile of clothes that no longer serve the version of yourself that God is preparing you for.
xoxo